Angry. Upset. Frustrated. Hurt.

Angry. Upset. Frustrated. Hurt.

These are all feelings that I'm feeling right now. Are they fair to the people I'm feeling them towards? Not at all. But I feel them none the less.

I'm angry at the people who get pregnant by accident, and have a perfectly healthy child.

I'm frustrated by the people who neglect themselves and their bodies while pregnant, and have a perfectly healthy child.

I'm upset that I did my best to do all of the right things, the wise choices, the best I could possibly do... and it wasn't good enough. Somewhere along the way something happened. A missing puzzle piece, and that hurts.

It hurts that I spend my nights wondering. Thinking. Blaming. Did that glass of wine I had when I was about two weeks pregnant cause O's hearing loss? Did I eat too much fish? Not enough fish? Did I take my prenatal vitamins every day? Did I have enough folic acid? Did the fact my water broke first and I was in labour for 22 hours cause this? Was it his brief stay in the NICU? Is it because I couldn't breastfeed? on, and on, and on.

There are so many what if's, maybe's, should have's.

And it makes me angry. Angry that we may never know where this blip came from.

I love my son, more than words can say. I don't love him any less because of this. It is in no way his fault. But I think maybe, if truth be told, I love myself and my body a little less right now. And that makes me angry too.